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90-year-old George went for his annual physical.
All of his tests came back with normal results.
Dr. Darns said, “George, everything looks great physically. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with yourself, and do you have a good relationship with your God?”
George replied, “God and me are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he’s fixed it so that when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom (poof!) the light goes on when I pee, and then (poof!) the light goes off when I’m done.”
“Wow,” commented Dr. Darnes, “that’s incredible!”
A little later in the day Dr. Darnes called George’s wife.
“Thelma,” he said, “George is just fine. Physically he’s great. But I had to call because I’m in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and (poof!) the light goes on in the bathroom, and then (poof!) the light goes off?”
Thelma exclaimed, “That old fool! He’s been peeing in the refrigerator again!”
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Faulty Refrigerator Advice
A man calls a refrigerator repair service.
“My refrigerator isn’t working.”
“What kind is it?”
“It’s a small one.”
“Electric, gas or propane?”
“Propane.”
“Ah! Then the problem is most likely vapor lock. You don’t need a service call, just turn the refrigerator upside down for a few minutes to allow the lock to clear. Then put it back and all should be well.”
Second call, a few minutes later, “The least you could have done is to tell me to empty the fridge first!”
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Two goobers were talking.
One was explaining to the other how the Lord often compensates for a person’s natural deficiencies.
“You see,” he said, “If someone is a bit blind he might have a very good sense of hearing, or if his sense of taste has gone, he may have a keen sense of smell.”
“I agree with you,” said the other. “I’ve always noticed that if someone has one short leg, the other one is always just that little bit longer.”
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Mary went to see a psychiatrist about her husband Bob (he wouldn’t go with her).
“Doctor, my husband has this problem. Almost every night now, he’s dreaming he’s a refrigerator!”
“My dear, that is not really a problem! A lot of people dream that they are somebody or something unusual…”
Mary leans forward as she softly whispers this confidence, “But you see, doctor, it is also a problem for me! Bob sleeps with his mouth open, and his little light keeps me awake!”
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A young couple was engaged in a most affectionate embrace when there came the sound of a key in the front door.
The young lady broke away at once, eyes wide with alarm.
“Heavens,” she cried, “it’s my husband! Quick, jump out the window.”
The young man, equally alarmed, made a quick step toward the window, then demurred. “I can’t,” he said, “we’re on the thirteenth floor.”
“For heaven’s sake,” cried the young lady in exasperation, “is this a time to be superstitious?”
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Recently, I was diagnosed with A. A. A. D. D. – Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.
This is how it manifests:
I decide to water my garden. As I turn on the hose in the driveway, I look over at my car and decide it needs washing. As I start toward the garage, I notice mail on the porch table that I brought up from the mailbox earlier. I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.
I lay my car keys down on the table, put the junk mail in the trash can under the table, and notice that the can is full. So, I decided to put the bills back on the table and take out the trash first.
But then I think, since I’m going to be near the mailbox when I take out the trash anyway, I may as well pay the bills first. I take my checkbook off the table and see that there is only one check left. My extra checks are in my desk in the study, so I go inside the house to my desk, where I find the can of Coke that I had been drinking.
I’m going to look for my checks, but first I need to push the Coke aside so that I don’t accidentally knock it over. I see that the Coke is getting warm, and I decide I should put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold. As I head toward the kitchen with the Coke, a vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye–they need to be watered.
I set the Coke down on the counter, and I discover the reading glasses that I’ve been searching for all morning. I decide I’d better put them back on my desk, but first I’m going to water the flowers.
I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water, and suddenly I spot the TV remote. Someone left it on the kitchen table. I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, I will be looking for the remote, but I won’t remember that it’s on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs, but first I’ll water the flowers…
Now I pour some water on the flowers, but quite a bit of it spills on the floor. So, I set the remote back down on the table, get some towels, and wipe up the spill.
Then I head down the hall, trying to remember what I was planning to do.
At the end of the day:
-the car isn’t washed,
-the bills aren’t paid,
-There is a warm can of Coke sitting on the counter,
-the flowers don’t have enough water,
-There is still only one check in my checkbook,
-I can’t find the remote,
-I can’t find my glasses, and I don’t remember what I did with the car keys.
Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I’m really baffled because I know I was busy all day long, and I’m really tired. I realize this is a serious problem, and I’ll try to get some help for it, but first I’ll check my e-mail.
Don’t laugh — if this isn’t you yet, — your day is coming!
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I remember one time when I was home visiting my folks.
My mom asked me to set the table for dinner. I opened the refrigerator and taped to the inside of the door was a risque picture of a lovely, slender, perfectly built, but scantily-clad young woman.
“Mom, what’s this?” I asked.
“Oh, I put that up there to remind me not to overeat,” she answered.
“Is it working?” I asked.
“Yes and no,” she explained. “I’ve lost 15 pounds, but your dad has gained 20!”
