A pirate walked into a bar and the bartender said,
“Hey, I haven’t seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible.”
Captain Hook“What do you mean?” said the pirate, “I feel fine.”
“What about the wooden leg? You didn’t have that before.”
“Well, we were in a battle and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I’m fine now.”
“Well, OK, but what about that hook? “What happened to your hand?”
“We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook. I’m fine, really.”
“What about that eye patch?”
“Oh, one day we were at sea and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up and one of them shit in my eye.”
“You’re kidding,” said the bartender, “you couldn’t lose an eye just from some bird shit.”
“It was my first day with the hook.”
Bob walked into a sports bar around 9:58 PM.
He sat down next to a blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV.
The 10 PM news was coming on. The news crew was covering the story of a man on the ledge of a tall building preparing to jump.
The blonde looked at Bob and said, “Do you think he’ll jump?”
Bob said, “You know, I bet he’ll jump.”
The blonde replied, “Well, I bet $20 he won’t.”
Bob placed a $20 bill on the bar and said, “You’re on!”
Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy on the ledge did a swan dive off the building.
The blonde was very upset, but willingly handed her $20 to Bob. “Fair’s fair. Here’s your money.”
Bob replied, “I can’t take your money. I saw this earlier on the 5 PM news, So I knew he would jump.”
The blonde replied, “I did, too, But I didn’t think he’d do it again.”
Bob took the money.
Two Texas farmers, Jim and Bob are sitting in a bar, enjoying beers.
Jim turns to Bob, and says, “You know what, I’m going to go to college!”
He then leaves the bar and makes his way over to the local college. He is met with the Dean of Administration, who is explaining to Jim what classes he is going to take.
“Alright, Jim. You are going to take 4 classes,” the Dean says. “English, Math, Science, and Logic.”
“Logic?” Jim asks. “What the hell is that?”
“Here, I’ll give you an example. Do you own a weed wacker?”
Proudly, Jim responded, “Yes, I do.”
“Well, if you own a weed wacker, then logically speaking you own a lawn,” the Dean said.
“Yes, yes I do have a lawn!”
“Well, if you have a lawn, then logically speaking you own a house.”
“Yes, yes I do have a house!”
“And if you have a house, then logically speaking you have a family.”
“Yes, yes I do have a family!”
“And if you have a family, then logically speaking you have a wife. And if you have a wife, then logically speaking you’re heteros*xual.”
“Yes, yes I do have a wife and I am heteros*xual! Wow, I can’t believe you found out all of that just because you knew I had a weed wacker!” Jim exclaimed.
“Yeah, that’s what logic is,” the Dean responded.
Jim excitedly went back to the bar, awaited by Bob.
“Bob, I’m taking 4 classes in college. English, Math, Science, and Logic,” Jim told Bob.
“Logic?” Bob asks. “What the hell is that?”
“Here, I’ll give you an example. Do you own a weed wacker?”
“No.”
“Then you’re gay.”
