Teacher: “Why are you late this morning?”
Student: “It’s my alarm clock. Everyone got up except me!”
Teacher: “How did the alarm clock make you the only one not to get up?”
Student: “There are eight of us in the my family and the alarm clock was only set for seven.”
A student was lucky to find a decent accommodation with a cheap rent.
His colleagues came to visit him and he was showing them the house. “This is the kitchen. This is the bedroom. And this one is the living room.”
“And what are the hammer and the pot that are hanging on the wall for? What are you going to do with them?” one of his colleagues asked.
“This is a talking clock.”
“I have never seen a clock like that. Can you show me how it works?”
“Sure! Look,” the student said. He took the hammer and struck at the pot with all his strength. Then, a voice was heard from the other side, “What are you doing? Are you crazy? It is half past one in the night, you idiot!”
A guy sees an advertisement in a pet-shop window: “Talking Centipede $100.”
The guy goes in and buys it. He gets home, opens the box and asks the centipede if he wants to go for a walk.
The centipede doesn’t answer, so the guy closes the lid, convinced he’s been swindled. Thirty minutes later he decides to try again.
He raises his voice and shouts, “Do you want to go for a walk?”
The centipede pokes his head out of the box and says,
“Pipe down! I heard you the first time. I’m putting on my shoes!”